..How do you mend something which has been so thoroughly broken? and where do you go when your own skin proves to be an even bigger cage for your soul than the life you chose? all I ever do is close my eyes ignore the rumor and walk away. I don't want to know.I didn't want to know. What color are your lies and how far would you go?
Perfect. Strangers down the line. Lovers out of time. Memories unwind.
vineri, ianuarie 27, 2012
luni, ianuarie 09, 2012
It's a "Me vs you. You vs me" situation
I find myself in the position of writing again. It's been a while since I last wrote something consistent. Or perhaps I never did. The question that has been troubling my thoughts for some time revolves around the issue of hatred. So, brace yourselves for it shall be a long post.
We all hate something or someone. I hate you because : you're either too tall or too short, too thin or too fat, too pale or too red, too Black (well, one can never be Black enough) or too White, too Asian or too European, too rich, too stupid or too smart, too selfish or too generous (well, that never really happens, but for the sake of the argument), you either have too many faults, or on the contrary, you're too goddam perfect. You hate me because I speak too fast or too slow, too eloquent or too sarcastic, I have no sense of humor or too much of it (again I say you can never have too much of that). You hate me because I use a spoon, a fork and a knife instead of chopsticks or eating with one's hands.
You hate me because I came to your country looking for a better life, a better chance for a future both for me and my family. You hate me because I pollute your streets with traits of my culture, you hate me because I perform all the works that your people would never lower themselves to do. You hate me because I come from a place that is full of life, of colors, traditions yet it has collapsed into a state of extreme poverty. I hate you because you were once in the position of making my nation rise above its condition yet you plundered, raped our women and killed my countrymen, thus paving the road with degradation and backwardness for the generations to come. I hate you because, in the name of development and modernization, you exploited my people and my homeland leaving behind misery and madness, mothers weeping for their children and men deprived of their freedom and power/willingness to make their place a better one. I hate you for creating networks of corruption and human degradation to sustain and feed your insatiable hunger for power, money, glory, finest of women, finest of drinks and purest of drugs.
You hate me because I wronged you, I stepped on your foot while hurrying to get to my shitty corporation job. You hate me because I wear a suit and a tie. You hate me because I use a MacBook, an iPhone and an iPad. You hate me because I seem happier than you. You hate me because you think that underneath all these products of the modern world I am a heartless, robotized creep. I hate you because you are dressed in messy clothes, colorful and cheerful shirts and trousers. I hate you because you still use the old pieces of technology that used to make me happy when I was younger. I hate you because your depression is temporary while mine lasts for years. I hate you because you're smiling as we speak when looking at a poster while I lost my will to smile at the vision of simple things, years ago.
I hate you because you seem poorly situated yet free. You hate me because I seem sophisticated and rich. I hate you because you bring back memories of normality and a bitter taste of a weird nostalgia. You hate me because I've destroyed old buildings replacing them with glass and concrete square boxes that have come to represent the future of mankind. You hate me because this is the only way. I hate you because you're the bearer of the past. You hate me because I am the future.
I hate you because everyday on my way to work I pass by your wonderful wife and your two perfect kids, while you giggle and laugh continuously, covering the music in my headphones. I hate you because I might never have that. You hate me because you think I look suspicious around your kids. You hate me because you think I'm a stereotype with my rapist glasses and my corporate suit. I hate you because you are so goddam gullible. I hate you for the television-shaped, internet-shaped opinions, symbols, ideas. You hate me because you see me as a threat to your normality.
You hate me because I will never be the girlfriend that you imagined to have. You hate me because I will never be tall enough or short enough. You hate me because I will never make you laugh like your friends do. You hate me because I will never have a perfect skin. You hate me because I will never have crystal-clear blue eyes. You hate me because my tits are too small or too big (they never get too big). You hate me because my behind would never even dream of comparison to that of I-don't- know-what actress.You hate me because I will never resemble the images that you see everyday on the Internet and you hate me because this is the same face you open your eyes to everyday. You hate me because you claim I have stolen your freedom and your will to become somebody. You hate me because I need you to write me something nice daily, pushing you into doing romantic little things you would never have done but for me. You hate me because I am a burden to which you are bound by ties of fear and cowardice. Fear of solitude. Courage to set things straight through a normal, decent talk.
I hate you because I know all those things and more. I hate you because I feel. I hate you because you don't. You hate me because I'm addicted to the way sounds and words take form and come out of those pretty lips of yours. I hate you because you never cared enough to ask. You hate me because I would glue myself to your skin until I become part of your body. I hate you because you would tear us apart. You hate me because I get lost so easily in the small things and I fail to see the big picture. I hate you because you've already moved on to another picture.
I hate you because I do not possess your freedom of choice. I hate you because I am still confronted with the restraints and prejudice of the curious, starring world. While you swim in alcohol and pills, I swim in disgust and fear. I hate you because you hit me so hard that my blood rushes into my brain and screams each time for retribution. I hate you because your mistake is killing the both of us, while we sink in useless tragedies.
You hate me because I don't praise your work as others might. You hate me because I am weak and powerless at one single glance of your eyes. You hate me because I am such a bad liar when I try to put you down. You hate me because I can and will be more than a simple companion, smoothly trading onto a better future while you still search for your way. You hate me because I am the representation of your mother manifesting the same need of controlling you. You hate me because you think someday I might be the death of you. You hate me because my grin is the victory upon your manhood and the loss of your masculine identity. You hate me because I am not like the others when I should, in fact, stay in the kitchen and make that goddam sandwich of yours.
I hate you because you are not the image I have projected in my mind as a kid, with the knight in shinning armor, Templar to be more precise, fighting his just war against the infidels, and upon his return takinng by storm the one he chose to wed, and live side by side until the end of their days. I hate you because you did not take me by storm. I hate you because you think sense should prevail. I hate you because you contain your feelings thus making me appear exalted and desperate.
You hate me because I was careless enough to get pregnant, while you were so attentive and cautious. You hate me because I am stupid and clingy. You hate me because I have dreams of marriage and children instead of casual sex and open-relationships (whatever the f*ck that means). You hate me because I will never be the woman in those videos smoking weed and partying carelessly with a clean conscience the next morning. You hate me because I have no intention of getting a tattoo, let alone a tattoo of your name. You hate me because I am so simple yet I complicate your existence so much.
I hate you because you'll never be worthy enough of being the father of my children, yet by a common mistake, you are. I hate you because I couldn't get an abortion in due time thanks to your indifference. I hate you because I could have been somewhere better off without you, yet we are stuck and bound to ruin each others lives for good.
I hate you because you never get to our dates on time. I hate you because you never answer your phone. I hate you because you are never patient enough to listen to a single phrase I try to construct. You hate me because I am brutally honest. You hate me because I cover the truth in order to protect your naturally deemed as fragile feminine nature. You hate me because I am too like myself and less like you would want me to be. I hate you because you could be so much better yet you are not and refuse to change what I see as faults. You hate me because I prefer solitude to noise and useless social talks. I hate you because you are such a hypocrite. You hate my natural tendency of being rational and cold. I hate you because you cover your lack of judgment with ridiculous arguments.
I hate you because you're a fkin Communist/Liberal/Socialist/Labor Party/Green/Social-Democrat/or whatever. You hate me because I am the antagonist. I hate you because you are part of the opposition and the only way to survive is to crush you and your supporters. You hate me and you will not rest until you seize power for yourself and crush my political force during your mandate. I hate you because you are Black or Muslim or both, constituting the majority of the population and you stand in the way of my need of your natural resources, be they petrol, diamonds are a girls' best friend or wood. You hate me because I am the oppressor, not sharing power nor the spoils of the conquest.
You hate me because I am a Protestant/Catholic/Orthodox/Muslim/Mormon/Baptist/Hindu or whatever. I hate you because you do not share my religious beliefs, thus I will fight you until you are extinct. You hate me because my religion has more Gods than yours. I hate you because your religion professes welfare and harmony through simple yet do-able things. You hate me because I do not praise your ethical and moral values. I hate you because you might steal my believers and turn them into yours, thus diminishing the influence of the Church I represent. I hate you because your Church claims the authority over my Temple. I hate you because you have placed yourself in the way to my great "enterprise" called Christianization.
You hate me because I am a hipster. I hate you because you are a rapper. You hate me because I listen to metal. I hate you because you like Balkan music. You hate me because you don't see me intelligent enough as to understand punk/hardcore/oi/rac or the culture related to the phenomenon. I hate you because you will never understand rapcore. You hate me because I try to resemble Kurt Cobain. I hate you because I think you don't understand shit from the hippie movement. You hate me because I listen to dubstep while you used to listen to dub before it was step. I hate you because you don't know nor own as much music as I do. You hate me because I'm just a pretentious bastard. You hate me because I wear large pants and show an allegiance to the East or West Coast though I've never been to the US. I hate you because you are so friggin normal.
I hate you and all your governments and churches, and states, and nations. I hate you for being a law abiding citizen. I hate any type of authority. I hate anyone who claims to have an authority over me. I hate everyone equally. I hate humanity. I have lost faith. I have lost the game...oh, and I hate you because you wear those ridiculous red shoes.
You hate me because I hate you. But who started hating first? Was it me or was it you?
We all hate something or someone. I hate you because : you're either too tall or too short, too thin or too fat, too pale or too red, too Black (well, one can never be Black enough) or too White, too Asian or too European, too rich, too stupid or too smart, too selfish or too generous (well, that never really happens, but for the sake of the argument), you either have too many faults, or on the contrary, you're too goddam perfect. You hate me because I speak too fast or too slow, too eloquent or too sarcastic, I have no sense of humor or too much of it (again I say you can never have too much of that). You hate me because I use a spoon, a fork and a knife instead of chopsticks or eating with one's hands.
You hate me because I came to your country looking for a better life, a better chance for a future both for me and my family. You hate me because I pollute your streets with traits of my culture, you hate me because I perform all the works that your people would never lower themselves to do. You hate me because I come from a place that is full of life, of colors, traditions yet it has collapsed into a state of extreme poverty. I hate you because you were once in the position of making my nation rise above its condition yet you plundered, raped our women and killed my countrymen, thus paving the road with degradation and backwardness for the generations to come. I hate you because, in the name of development and modernization, you exploited my people and my homeland leaving behind misery and madness, mothers weeping for their children and men deprived of their freedom and power/willingness to make their place a better one. I hate you for creating networks of corruption and human degradation to sustain and feed your insatiable hunger for power, money, glory, finest of women, finest of drinks and purest of drugs.
You hate me because I wronged you, I stepped on your foot while hurrying to get to my shitty corporation job. You hate me because I wear a suit and a tie. You hate me because I use a MacBook, an iPhone and an iPad. You hate me because I seem happier than you. You hate me because you think that underneath all these products of the modern world I am a heartless, robotized creep. I hate you because you are dressed in messy clothes, colorful and cheerful shirts and trousers. I hate you because you still use the old pieces of technology that used to make me happy when I was younger. I hate you because your depression is temporary while mine lasts for years. I hate you because you're smiling as we speak when looking at a poster while I lost my will to smile at the vision of simple things, years ago.
I hate you because you seem poorly situated yet free. You hate me because I seem sophisticated and rich. I hate you because you bring back memories of normality and a bitter taste of a weird nostalgia. You hate me because I've destroyed old buildings replacing them with glass and concrete square boxes that have come to represent the future of mankind. You hate me because this is the only way. I hate you because you're the bearer of the past. You hate me because I am the future.
I hate you because everyday on my way to work I pass by your wonderful wife and your two perfect kids, while you giggle and laugh continuously, covering the music in my headphones. I hate you because I might never have that. You hate me because you think I look suspicious around your kids. You hate me because you think I'm a stereotype with my rapist glasses and my corporate suit. I hate you because you are so goddam gullible. I hate you for the television-shaped, internet-shaped opinions, symbols, ideas. You hate me because you see me as a threat to your normality.
You hate me because I will never be the girlfriend that you imagined to have. You hate me because I will never be tall enough or short enough. You hate me because I will never make you laugh like your friends do. You hate me because I will never have a perfect skin. You hate me because I will never have crystal-clear blue eyes. You hate me because my tits are too small or too big (they never get too big). You hate me because my behind would never even dream of comparison to that of I-don't- know-what actress.You hate me because I will never resemble the images that you see everyday on the Internet and you hate me because this is the same face you open your eyes to everyday. You hate me because you claim I have stolen your freedom and your will to become somebody. You hate me because I need you to write me something nice daily, pushing you into doing romantic little things you would never have done but for me. You hate me because I am a burden to which you are bound by ties of fear and cowardice. Fear of solitude. Courage to set things straight through a normal, decent talk.
I hate you because I know all those things and more. I hate you because I feel. I hate you because you don't. You hate me because I'm addicted to the way sounds and words take form and come out of those pretty lips of yours. I hate you because you never cared enough to ask. You hate me because I would glue myself to your skin until I become part of your body. I hate you because you would tear us apart. You hate me because I get lost so easily in the small things and I fail to see the big picture. I hate you because you've already moved on to another picture.
I hate you because I do not possess your freedom of choice. I hate you because I am still confronted with the restraints and prejudice of the curious, starring world. While you swim in alcohol and pills, I swim in disgust and fear. I hate you because you hit me so hard that my blood rushes into my brain and screams each time for retribution. I hate you because your mistake is killing the both of us, while we sink in useless tragedies.
You hate me because I don't praise your work as others might. You hate me because I am weak and powerless at one single glance of your eyes. You hate me because I am such a bad liar when I try to put you down. You hate me because I can and will be more than a simple companion, smoothly trading onto a better future while you still search for your way. You hate me because I am the representation of your mother manifesting the same need of controlling you. You hate me because you think someday I might be the death of you. You hate me because my grin is the victory upon your manhood and the loss of your masculine identity. You hate me because I am not like the others when I should, in fact, stay in the kitchen and make that goddam sandwich of yours.
I hate you because you are not the image I have projected in my mind as a kid, with the knight in shinning armor, Templar to be more precise, fighting his just war against the infidels, and upon his return takinng by storm the one he chose to wed, and live side by side until the end of their days. I hate you because you did not take me by storm. I hate you because you think sense should prevail. I hate you because you contain your feelings thus making me appear exalted and desperate.
You hate me because I was careless enough to get pregnant, while you were so attentive and cautious. You hate me because I am stupid and clingy. You hate me because I have dreams of marriage and children instead of casual sex and open-relationships (whatever the f*ck that means). You hate me because I will never be the woman in those videos smoking weed and partying carelessly with a clean conscience the next morning. You hate me because I have no intention of getting a tattoo, let alone a tattoo of your name. You hate me because I am so simple yet I complicate your existence so much.
I hate you because you'll never be worthy enough of being the father of my children, yet by a common mistake, you are. I hate you because I couldn't get an abortion in due time thanks to your indifference. I hate you because I could have been somewhere better off without you, yet we are stuck and bound to ruin each others lives for good.
I hate you because you never get to our dates on time. I hate you because you never answer your phone. I hate you because you are never patient enough to listen to a single phrase I try to construct. You hate me because I am brutally honest. You hate me because I cover the truth in order to protect your naturally deemed as fragile feminine nature. You hate me because I am too like myself and less like you would want me to be. I hate you because you could be so much better yet you are not and refuse to change what I see as faults. You hate me because I prefer solitude to noise and useless social talks. I hate you because you are such a hypocrite. You hate my natural tendency of being rational and cold. I hate you because you cover your lack of judgment with ridiculous arguments.
I hate you because you're a fkin Communist/Liberal/Socialist/Labor Party/Green/Social-Democrat/or whatever. You hate me because I am the antagonist. I hate you because you are part of the opposition and the only way to survive is to crush you and your supporters. You hate me and you will not rest until you seize power for yourself and crush my political force during your mandate. I hate you because you are Black or Muslim or both, constituting the majority of the population and you stand in the way of my need of your natural resources, be they petrol, diamonds are a girls' best friend or wood. You hate me because I am the oppressor, not sharing power nor the spoils of the conquest.
You hate me because I am a Protestant/Catholic/Orthodox/Muslim/Mormon/Baptist/Hindu or whatever. I hate you because you do not share my religious beliefs, thus I will fight you until you are extinct. You hate me because my religion has more Gods than yours. I hate you because your religion professes welfare and harmony through simple yet do-able things. You hate me because I do not praise your ethical and moral values. I hate you because you might steal my believers and turn them into yours, thus diminishing the influence of the Church I represent. I hate you because your Church claims the authority over my Temple. I hate you because you have placed yourself in the way to my great "enterprise" called Christianization.
You hate me because I am a hipster. I hate you because you are a rapper. You hate me because I listen to metal. I hate you because you like Balkan music. You hate me because you don't see me intelligent enough as to understand punk/hardcore/oi/rac or the culture related to the phenomenon. I hate you because you will never understand rapcore. You hate me because I try to resemble Kurt Cobain. I hate you because I think you don't understand shit from the hippie movement. You hate me because I listen to dubstep while you used to listen to dub before it was step. I hate you because you don't know nor own as much music as I do. You hate me because I'm just a pretentious bastard. You hate me because I wear large pants and show an allegiance to the East or West Coast though I've never been to the US. I hate you because you are so friggin normal.
I hate you and all your governments and churches, and states, and nations. I hate you for being a law abiding citizen. I hate any type of authority. I hate anyone who claims to have an authority over me. I hate everyone equally. I hate humanity. I have lost faith. I have lost the game...oh, and I hate you because you wear those ridiculous red shoes.
You hate me because I hate you. But who started hating first? Was it me or was it you?
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